5 Years Before A Commitment

All this while in university, I realized that there is a common topic that seems to be the one of the main interests among my university mates.

MARRIAGE.

I'd be lying if I tell you that I've never dreamt of a perfect marriage with my future husband, go crazy with him before raising beautiful kids together. I'd be lying if I tell you that I have never dreamt of cooking delicious meals for him everytime he comes home from work.

Yes, I've dreamt of weddings, marriage and how it will be God-driven.

But truth to be told. I am clearly not ready for it. I'm 22, still young and have much to explore. And I'm still being financially supported by my parents.

On the other hand, I see a lot of my university mates are eager to get married. People younger than me are already planning to jump into the 'We Got Married' wagon after graduation. Wait, what about getting a job? Or are you not planning to get one?

I'm not against early marriages, really. No sarcasm intended. I mean, if you are prepared and you've found someone, well why not, right?

The thing is, whenever I tell my friends that the earliest I will get married is at the age of 27, their eyes would literally pop out of their sockets. Then they would ask, "What about children? You'll have less chance to get babies."

I am just going to make my stand. I am not prepared for marriage, and will never be in at least 5 years time.

1. Because I have more missions in life before committing myself to my future spouse, children and in-laws. I want to live life as a single lady. I have so much in mind, call me selfish, but i really don't want marriage to rob away the time I wish to use to do things I would love to do solo.

2. Because I am not ready to be committed. I'm going to quote this from Seth Adam Smith of the Huff Post Weddings:

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, "Seth, you're being totally selfish. So I'm going to make this really simple: marriage isn't for you. You don't marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn't for yourself, you're marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn't for you. It's not about you. Marriage is about the person you married."

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It's about the person you love--their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, "What's in it for me?" while Love asks, "What can I give?"

So, do excuse me for my selfishness because I am really not ready to give full commitment to the person that I am to marry.

3. Because I want to get a stable job first. I'm the independent type of woman. I'm not planning to rely fully on my future husband's money because I don't want to burden nor owe him financially. I'm fine with us sharing the financial burden involving the house, car, our children's education, health and necessities, because these are our responsibilities as husband and wife. A little splash of pampering would be nice if he spends me dinners and vacations occasionally. But no, I'm not going to suck all the money from my future husband. So, where do I get my source of income? A job definitely. And at my stage, when do I get a job? After graduation and tons of tough competitions from other potential graduates. Before I even say 'yes' to him, I need to secure a job and have a stable income to support our family together with my future husband; and as a backup income source just in case we may get a divorce or he kicks bucket. I am also the type who does not like to be dominated by the male ego, hence bringing food home places me on par with my husband and I have the right to have a say in our family.

And the time taken to ensure that I have my job, strike off stuff from the to-do list and be ready to marry to make him happy? At least 5 years.

p/s: My guardian angel said that he won't be surprised if I'd be single throughout my life. Like I have mentioned, I am an independent woman.

2013 - A Journey of Thoughts and All

It's New Year Eve and it's a norm for us to post our goodbye speech to 2013, whether on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogger and whatsoever.

Since I'm exhausted from studying for hours, allow me to jump into the bandwagon as I walk down my memory lane of 2013. Just for the sake of good ol' times and I'm in a mood to write a long post.

2013 started off with the forever-pain-in-the-butt Edexcel finals. While I was busy burning the midnight oil, I couldn't help but to accept the fact that I have ended my journey as an A-level student in Methodist College Kuala Lumpur. Being the sentimental person, my heart felt heavy because the end of my journey also means the end of 1107's journey. In this context, I mean our friendships. No, no...our friendships will never end if we put an effort to keep in touch with each other. But it is the moment when we get together to either pray, laugh, play, study, organize events or merely to have a simple chat, that I am missing so much till this day. Up till now, I hardly find MCKL-like souls at where I am now. The morale behind these 'breakups' - friendships centered on God are the best and it's a waste to let them off just like that. Most of us are around the world, well UK being the center of attraction for most A-level kids, hence you can see many MCKLians there. Even so, we still managed to contact and update each other despite our busy schedules that often clashes with each other. And how can I not forget this part? We still keep each other in prayers, that is the most meaningful and touching for me.

Now let's scroll down to the Sarawak trip I went with the 38 gang. I have to admit that I was more nervous than excited mainly because I was the only Muslim in our group. And Sarawak is mostly populated by non-Muslims, especially Christians. I was actually worried that I may trouble my friends when it comes to food. Thankfully, my Sarawakian friends did their research and we all ate without much trouble. I guess this was their first time having a Muslim joining them and it must have been an experience for them. As for me, I learnt about respect and tolerance between different religions.
We stayed at a friend's house in Sibu. Her father, a very good Christian teacher whom i respect, welcomed me like as if I were a part of their family. He took note of my religion but treated me like one of his students without religion being the barrier. Her mother, God bless her, is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. She actually took out unused bowls and cutlery for me to eat with. To me, I felt like I have troubled her but I was touched by the respect and consideration she has towards Islam.
*Muslims are not allowed to eat and use utensils that have been used with non-halal food.
Of course one of the best moments I had in Sarawak is our stay in Akik's longhouse. There we lived moderately and our cooking skills were tested. Chee Meng, the twins and I, on the other hand, had a great time sweating it all out by helping the Iban villagers to harvest the paddy fields under the scorching Sun. In the evening, we retired to the jetty to swim by the river which was rumoured to have crocodiles lurking beneath the waters. I'd probably say that the dive with the twins is the most awesome 'YOLO' thing I did. Night came, dinner was devoured by us, the hungry children and we ended up listening to stories told by the villagers. They were told in Iban and Angela, one of our two Iban friends, translated for us.

The moderate and simple lives led by the Iban villagers, reminded me of the once-hard life my family faced. It reminded me of the struggles my parents have been and are going through just to make my life easier. It reminded me of the huge hole at the atap of my old house that pushed me to study harder to change our lives. I was pulled back to the moderate yet humble and comfortable life I lived. I was reminded to be humble and thankful forever no matter what the circumstances are.
The paddy harvest provided me a breakaway from the typical urban life in the city. I may be a city girl, but at one corner of my heart, I belong to the countryside. Running around bare-footed at the wet paddy fields, encountering spider-looking paddy insects and even cutting my finger, I just can't find these in Kuala Lumpur. Diving into the deep 'teh tarik' river brought me closer to nature besides giving me an opportunity to let everything go for a moment. That was my first time diving into a river. I've dived into swimming pools many times, but it felt so natural to do so in a river.
The conversations with the Iban villagers made me wonder how much damage has technology done to our society, in terms of really having face-to-face daily conversations. If you walk into a restaurant or a cafe, you will see the customers, even families, staring at the screens of their smart phones or whatever modern gadgets they own. Rarely will you see people having conversations without their phones on the table. As I listened to the villagers talking, I felt a familiar warmth. It is the personal warmth that envelopes a family or friends to bring them closer and give them the sense of belonging. Talking to each other in person is far more enjoyable compared to chatting or skyping online (unless you are miles away from them).

Just when I thought I would leave MCKL, I got a job to be a marketing staff/video editor/sponsorship member in MCKL. Well, marketing staff because my work place is right in front of my boss in the marketing office; video editor and sponsorship staff due to MCKL's 30th Anniversary. I spent 5 months in the marketing office. 5 months is short but I learnt and gained all kinds of experience:

1. Giving advice to lost high-school kids about their pre-university education and future.
2. Professionalism and patience when dealing with typical Asian parents who want no more but their children to be either doctor, engineer or accountant.
3. Using the right words and a whole amount of patience when dealing with angry parents who didn't seem to understand what the college is facing during the Cambridge crisis.
4. Building wide networks among potential sponsors and alumni.
5. New video editing skills (limited to iMovie only, sadly).
6. Tolerance in races and religions.
7. Efficiency and productivity in work.

One of the interesting jobs I have done is counselling future SPM-leavers. It is really sad to see the perception we have drilled into the minds of the youth about the undergraduate course they are meant to take in future. I'm talking about the mainstream courses that won't even guarantee that they will be in that particular lines of careers. Medicine, engineering, accountancy, business to name a few. I'm not being prejudice towards these fields. They promise good futures only if: 

1. The child is genuinely passionate about it; 

2. Even if they are not passionate, they'd still make it if they are kiasu and smart. 

#AsianThinking

The kids are so into these mainstream courses that at one point, I asked them the main reason behind choosing these. Their answers:

1. We'll get a good future, more money. (30%) 

2. I have an interest in it *without confidence* (5%)

3. My parents want me to study it. (50%)

4. I'm good in Sciences/Arts, so why not? (10%)

5. I want to save lives/Seeing the world's economy fluctuating is interesting/I want to create something new. (5%)

My next question - "What if you find out that you're not meant for it or you're not up to their challenges? What would you do?" A shrug is usually what I received. Sometimes there would be students who are confident enough to tell me that they won't fail. I admire their confidence and determination, but let's be honest. Do the students truly know what they really want in life, what exactly their desired courses and careers are all about? Many of the students in my course are still uncertain of which major they want to go for. Some don't even have a clue on why they are in Applied Biology. I have seen friends who were once very determined to do medicine, ended up doing business, dentistry, biotechnology, psychology and many non-medical fields. I have friends who dropped out of their courses and were back to square one because they found that they don't like what they were studying or doing. I have a senior who has a Bachelor in Engineering, now he's a banker. Where did things go wrong? How did the paths change? My question to you: What do you really want to do in life?

The great disappointment in my life is not getting the 3A's that I aimed for Edexcel. The greater disappointment is that I did not push myself harder to score all A's. And that is when the fear of being looked down for not being able to study in UK, began to stir in my mind. Despite the fact that I secured a place in Scotland, I still feel extremely angry with myself for not being able to get a scholarship due to my unsatisfactory results. If I had studied harder, I could have stood a better chance to secure a scholarship and study in the university of my dreams. So UK plans got cancelled, I had no choice but to face something that I did not look forward to. Studying in a local governmental university. And only one university accepts non-matriculation students, non-STPM leavers and non-diploma holders. University of Science Malaysia, the university I am studying in now.

It's common for students to think that studying in local governmental universities is not as good as studying in universities abroad. I was one of those stereotypical kids. I looked down on local governmental universities. True, it's not as glamorous compared to studying overseas. True, the level of our education system has gone so much lower compared to my mother's time. But it doesn't matter where you study as long as you make the effort to succeed. University is just a place for us to study even though the name of the university provides a plus point in our resumes. But what's the point if one studies in a well-known university yet sucks in promoting himself in job interviews? Many graduates are jobless now.

My mum has been trying to convince me that it is alright to study in USM - its an APEX university and is one of the top universities in Malaysia. Yet I was not convinced, as usual, until my best friend, Jayden, gave me a 'slap' on my face. Jayden, a future doctor (he is 10 times smarter than me by the way), told me to be grateful that I still have a chance to pursue my tertiary study. He too said the same thing -  It doesn't matter where you study as long as you make the effort to succeed. You can be in a very good university, but if you don't work hard, you'll just fail and all you have to blame is yourself. 

So it hit me. The reason I am so hard up for a scholarship is because my parents can't afford to pay for an extremely expensive education. Now that I am empty-handed, I must accept the fact that our financial status can only afford me education in a local governmental university. And I am thankful for that because hey, I'm still studying!! I must make it clear here that I am not blaming my parents for our financial situation and I have never blamed them for that because they have been sacrificing so much just to provide me a complete life. 

Speaking about money, I have argued with my mum many times about the value of money. To me, money is not everything. To her, without money, you can't go anywhere. I'd say both are true. My thought on money has something to do with what I am pursuing now. The sole reason I chose environmental science is because it is my calling to help the environment. Not as lucrative as my previous desired career, that is a petroleum engineer, right? But without passion, if I'd ever to give up in despair, I would be back to square one. It's worse than earning a moderate job as an environmental researcher.

My mom on the other hand, has gone through the thicks and thins of life and she knows how money can just turn our lives upside down. Money doesn't grow on trees, you got to work for it. And my mum, she has worked extremely hard to earn money. She even saved her earnings and did not spend on herself but me. So her point is, if I were to get a moderate job in such a highly-cost living world, will I even survive? 

And that brings us to my purpose in this university. Studying for passion, aiming for passion and money. God gave me another chance to pursue my dreams, change my life and make my parents proud. From this moment, I'm not going to complain about the fact that I am studying locally. Heck, the kids overseas can look down on me, I don't care. Instead, I'm going to make it a point where I kickstart my journey to be an environmental researcher. I think I have already started my journey and it's escalating fast, you'll understand if you read my previous post. I'm going to make it my goal to graduate with flying colours, get involved in environmental projects and come up with creations and theories that can save the environment!! Maybe I won't earn as much as a petroleum engineer, but I'd make sure that my parents will get to enjoy a better life, a life that they deserve after all they have done for me. And I'm pretty sure that they will be proud of what I am about to achieve.

Being in USM taught me to be independent. Here, my mum is not here to do the laundry, make meals and remind me in everything (she still reminds me a bit through Whatsapp). My dad is not here to just send me anywhere on the spot. During my 4 months here, I've gone through a lot of ups and downs that at one point, I just broke down because I was (still am) homesick. I was a lone ranger because I isolated myself from social life. I have never been homesick, not even in Japan. The irony of it, my goodness. And this is where I learnt the most valuable lesson. Appreciating my parents. They may not be the richest old people, but they have given me love, happiness and a comfortable life that I can never ask for more. My dad rarely nags at me, but my mum...almost all the time because I'm a bloody rascal that worries her to the max. I used to hate my mum for nagging and scolding me, especially during high school when I would rebel. Even now she still nags me, but less since I'm away from her. Deep in my heart, I miss her nagging and often wonder, when will I get a chance to give her high blood pressure just to be nagged by her? Maybe you might find it hard to believe, you might dislike your parents for their long lectures and scoldings. But trust me, they're doing it for our own good and one day when they're gone, you'd do anything just to hear their voices. Well for me, they can nag as much as they want because they care about me, even when I do nothing wrong. Because this is ONE of the things I will truly miss when they leave forever. If you're reading this, I love you Ma, Abah.

2013 has been a great journey - painful but taught me good lessons; joyful as I create as much memories as I can with my loved ones. Thank you to those who are by my side although not physically, and have been keeping me in your prayers. You know who you are.

And my last minute in 2013 is dedicated solely to my Creator, the Exalted who loves me endlessly although I'm such a rebellious believer. Still learning, still making mistakes, but I thank You for what you blessed upon me, rain and shine. Alhamdulillah.

Resolutions? To live life to the fullest. Insya-Allah.

Happy New Year and let's usher in 2014 with another round of Genetic studies. #WhatASpoil